my journey has taken a turn–a turn requiring my gaze to move inward.
requiring my eyes to rake over myself entirely, naked and unfettered, and honestly evaluate what i find.
the discovery isn’t always so nice.
in so many things–so many sources of anger, fear, and bitterness, i was the cause. i was the reason.
i was the one in the wrong.
i lashed out at him for not giving me commitment. insisted that he would one day be unfaithful, would one day make me regret my decision.
in truth, i am the one with the wandering eye, the discomfort with commitment, the struggle with regret and desire for change.
i lashed out at her for her judgment, for her attitude, for her childish behavior. i hated her from afar, nursed jealousy and disgust from a distance.
i recognized myself in her. my penchant for judgment, for selfishness, for childish behavior. i recognize my own insatiable desire for attention, for approval, and to seem a certain way to those around me.
i felt hatred toward this religion, for all that it stands for and all that it endorses.
in truth, i felt hatred toward myself for allowing myself to fall for it, for aligning myself with it, and for robbing myself and so many of my loved ones of peace for years on end.
introspection is a funny thing. what seems simple, straightforward, and innocuous really means tearing at your skin, peeling strip after strip away, until you are all muscle and sinew, bloody and raw, open and exposed.
and then, an examination. an examination clear of predisposition, of hope, of inclination. instead, one of honesty, integrity, and humility.
chipping my own idol down, flake by flake, moment by moment.