on motherhood // introversion

as any cursory internet search can tell you, identifying yourself as an introvert or extrovert can lend tremendous insight into your own inner workings.

as an extrovert, you might have previously been unsure why you craved the presence of others, and as an introvert, you might have felt out of place for craving solitude or silence.

i am an introvert. this is not news to me, nor was it particularly surprising. what i didn’t anticipate, however, was how strongly this would play a role in my experience of motherhood.

early in my relationship with mario, my introversion created ire between us; although my extrovert husband thrived seeing friends on a near-constant basis, any more than one social gathering per week, and i felt overwhelmed, drained, and vaguely irritated, like a persistent itch in the back of my throat.

he couldn’t understand why i didn’t want to be around his friends, and i couldn’t fathom him wanting to have that many people in his space all. the. time.

eventually, we reached a place where we accepted this difference in our worldview, and moved past it.

then along came eli. as i’ve mentioned (probably too many times to count), i felt at odds with motherhood. women often talk of how natural it feels, how joyful and exciting it is, and although i adored my son, motherhood as a whole felt awkward and ill-fitting. the unending attention and reality of never being alone left me drained–emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted.

and then, when eli was eleven months old, my mom finally put her foot down, shoved me out the door, and told me to stay gone for at least two hours without my son.

initially, i was terrified, and texted her every ten minutes to make sure he was okay. after an hour, though, i felt more myself and more relaxed than i had in almost a year.

i learned to let go, a little. and i gained myself back, a little.

from then on, i practiced. i left eli with mario to run 20-minute errands, then thirty, then forty, then an hour. finally, i began teacher training, and left my little boy with his dad for upwards of eight hours.

and it was beautiful. i felt liberated, at peace, and–finally, blessedly–myself.

then iris came into the picture, and i found myself faltering once again. well-meaning urgings from my mom, my sister, and even my husband–“let me take her, just for a walk around the block,” “just run to the store; i can watch her” left me reeling and shaking my head.

“no, it’s okay. i’ve got her. maybe when she’s older.”

then two months went by, and i was holed up in my house, never parting from my little lady and little fellow.

which, again, left me overwhelmed, frustrated, and drained.

and then my husband’s hands were gently–firmly–shoving me out the door.

“go. i’ll take her.”

and so i did.

and my proverbial batteries were recharged.

and then, this morning. the air outside was cool, fresh. the moon shone steady above me, and i got to take thirty minutes to myself for a tiny, simple errand, and again: such a small thing, but i felt stronger, more capable, more at peace.

and there it was: motherhood is not easy. of course, it isn’t. but this is something i feel isn’t often talked about. being an introvert and being a mom sometimes mixes as effectively as oil and water. all-day, unending talking, or crying, and never being alone takes its toll.

it takes an already-difficult task–being around people on a regular basis–and enforces it every. single. moment.

if you find yourself in a similar position: prone to introversion, with children to care for, don’t forget to find a quiet, still moment (or 30) to yourself to breathe, to be still.

say hello

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s